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Philosophies: Toilets 1.0 -- DCTP
2002.05.17
Everyone knows there is an age-old question which rivals that trivial matter concerning the whole meaning of life bit. Namely, whether the covers of toilets should be left either Closed; Partly Open (with the seat down, the lid up, favoring seated excreters); or Fully Open (with both seat and lid up, porcelain exposed, favoring standing excreters).
Although this discussion usually follows a split along the partisan party lines of physical sex, the objective answer strikes me as singularly obvious. (I employ this sort of language with a quiet, natural predisposition when I wish to effect a singularly presumptuous tone.) That having been said, rather superfluously, allow me to clarify.
Females, almost strictly of the seated excreting partiality, would seem to rather naturally favor Option 2: Partly Open. They understandably hope to avoid that most unpleasant late-night visit to the ladies room which begins but does not end with their haunches inflicted to the unforgiving chill of a bare toilet rim, or worse, with an upending of their down ends into the hungry maw of said toilet. Were the seat always to be left down upon the completion of any bathroom business, seated excreters would have the assurance of safe and carefree visits to the water closet.
Males, on the contrary, tend to support (either by active debate, passive aggressive response, or through mere indifference) the much-opposed Option 3: Fully Open. Although I do not align myself with this camp, on this issue at least, their motives are just as obvious. If you are perfectly capable of wriggling past a button or releasing a zipper as the sole requirement for releasing your insistent fluid pollutants, and furthermore a seat will only require more effort on your part (including a more precise directing of those offending fluids, or a cleanup job demanded of a failed targeting or natural dribbling)... Well, then, anything less than a Fully Open toilet might appear a most unnecessary imposition upon you, the Standing Excreter.
And so we would seem to come to one of those many seemingly irreconcilable clashes between cultures — male and female, seated and standing, yin and yang. Upon such objective analysis, it would seem that our mostly partisan debate becomes in fact a veritable epic, a war between Good and Evil, as framed within the respective locuses of our two factions' powerfully charged realities.
Enter clear-headed, wisdom-loving, justice-minded Insight in its avatar form: most humbly, myself. (In this avatar form, the capital "M" is deemed traditionally unnecessary.) I must assert that the logically and equitably reached resolution to our toilet conundrum is, in fact, Option 1: Closed. "How so?" you ask. (If you were not asking, gentle reader, fear not, for I have just aided you in your time of unknowing need.) I lay the following arguments forth in support of my most sound conclusion that the default position of toilets should be with both the seat and the lid down, thus Closed:
- A simple fact of non-plant lifeforms exists
— everyone's gotta shit sometime. Excepting
that rare breed of Squatting Excreter, everyone shares at least part-time
seated status on the Throne of Repose. It also follows that since no
one likes to either fall into an open toilet nor sit on
a seat sprinkled with the failures of the Standing Excreter, the toilet
seat should be neither fully up nor down only by itself, without the
lid to protect it from "standing indiscretions".
- This quite logically and equitably illustrates the need for a universally recognized DCTP (Default Closed Toilet Protocol).
- This whole (near-armed) conflict revolves
around personal irresponsibility. Seated-only excreters want
to be able to plop down on a warm, clean seat and proceed with their
needs in languidly lounging luxury. Standers wish to exercise their
ease of excreting from stretching, spread-eagled splendor. Everyone
seems to be looking to absolve themselves of the simple and courteous
personal responsibility of turning on the bathroom light, wiping the
crumbs of sleep from their eyes and casting their glaze upon the toilet
to assure ideal results. If we have learned nothing in the past millennia
of human existence, we are linked by nothing if not by our common necessity
to release waste. We are a community of waste releasers. Unite, I say!
Take up the flag of solidarity in this, at least, wherein we all (male
or female, yin and yang, seated and/or standing) may happily, albeit
responsibly, use a toilet when one is there to use. The responsible
choice is to leave the toilet in a position such that everyone knows
they can find it in the same way, awaiting their adjustment to
suit their needs.
- This quite logically and equitably illustrates the need for a universally recognized DCTP (Default Closed Toilet Protocol).
- An open toilet is a judicially and esthetically
discordant thing. If a toilet is always
left fully open, it requires the seated excreters to lower the fanny's
welcome mat. (This includes the entire female population, plus the male
population when struck with that "not-so-light" feeling.)
It is inequitable to force so many to lower such a weight for the predisposition
of a few, some of the time. However, by the same flush of the toilet,
how just is it to require only the standers to lift, when in
the natural desire to exploit their full range of excreting potential,
they wish to seize an opportunity of freedom?
Once again the impasse of Option 2: Partly Open versus Option 3: Fully Open is neatly resolved by Option 1: Closed. With Option 1, all excreters must lift and lower equally, for the good and justice of all.
And besides, Partly Open and Fully Open still leave every visitor and passerby with a clear view of that gaping abyss wherein we all deposit our undesirables. It seems obvious that none but the most unimaginative can escape the horrors that such a sight recurringly conjures to the mind in vivid and unsettling detail.
- This quite logically and equitably illustrates the need for a universally recognized DCTP (Default Closed Toilet Protocol).
In summary, a closed toilet is the first step to a better world. Start today.
Believe it or not, this is actually only
one essay in a potentially substantial series on the subject of the challenges
presented by our friend, the toilet.
Copyright © 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 Eric J. Reid
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